I might like Javert. Is that bad?

Okay. So is there something wrong with me that I actually like Javert from Les Mis... Someone who has more literatureish depth, feel free to explain this to me.

I told you that I got the CD for my birthday. And we just happen to have a new (used) van with a CD player in it. So we listen to it every chance we get. AND WE LOVE IT!!!!! (most of us anyways.)

So my favorite song is this song with Jean Valjean (Hugh...LOVE)  and Javert (Russel....SWOON) singing almost like a duel.

I. JUST. LOVE. IT.

And something about it made me understand why Javert can't give up the fight of searching for Jon Valjean.

I think it is Javert's inner child chasing Jon Valjean. For reals. I do.

I mean Javert was born inside a jail with scum! That just doesn't go away without some inner healing.

I love that song. Is it wrong for me to like Javert?

Okay. Today was group.

I decided from now on I was going to talk about anything Kristopher wanted me to. I am tired of the game of not wanting to talk about stuff. I am just going to do things his way so I can move on my way.

He was surprised when I told him I would talk about anything he wanted. "Anything" he said? And I said "yes". And then, him being him, went straight for one of the most hot topics for me. A topic that I just recently received some clarification and peace on and he wanted me to share that. So I did. I told it like it is and it was fine.

He is constantly saying he wants us to FEEL our painful things. And STAND it. Without addiction or other things that distract us or make us temporarily feel better. To just stand it.

He stated talking about doing power stances. And how doing two minutes a day of a power stance can literally change your brain. I read somewhere where your brain makes new pathways. So doing some of these things can create new pathways and change the way you are thinking. So check this video out if you have time. It was pretty good. It is by Amy Cuddy. (I couldn't turn it into a proper video. So here is the link. It's good!)

This TED Talk has been recommended to you by susankn@ida.net from TED.com. Note from sender: http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html?source=email#.UcFNtSD7RM1.email


The lady believes not in faking it till you make it but "fake it until you become it". Interesting stuff.

Kristopher said that when he graduated college they believed at that time that who you were by age 18 was who you are. That your brain and who you are was set in stone.

But now they believe because of neuroplasticity you can change your brain and the way you think. I am glad. Because I don't think Heavenly Father would make us so our brain just was stuck the way it is at age 18. Bleck!

So, great mom moment. I came home to see Nathan on my bed reading my blog book. And talking to me about certain memories from it. I bet he read it for about an hour. I loved that. Him reading about my sharing of our world.

So Kristopher told us today that he has teenage kids come in who are NEVER hugged. And they need them. They want them from him. Because they aren't getting them elsewhere.

I have to admit that I have had to make a very conscious effort to hug my older children. Sometimes I have it in my head that they don't want me to hug them. Or they might be embarrassed or uncomfortable with it. Or not want it from me anymore. I don't know why. But I have been pushing those feelings aside and scratching their backs or hugging them regardless, and just pretending that they love it. I suppose if they don't they will suck it up or finally tell me.

I do have one kid who really does seem to not want physical touch from me. I really feel like I am invading her space when I try. I don't know what you do about that. I still sort of force it on her ever other day. I don't want her to be neglected and not tell me and I don't want to force something on her that she doesn't want. So I am trying to find a happy medium.

Tonight (despite my stress yesterday) I was thankful for a large family. Rhett had to babysit. That is just the way it works in large families. Kids, who in other families still need supervision, are the babysitters in large families. He actually can do a decent job when he is calm. He had the littles out back with sleeping bags and they were watching a movie on the laptop. They thought it was AWESOME.

more camping pitures

I never got the rest of our camping trip blogged. I have to make a HUGE deal out of it so the kids REMEMBER I camped. Not often but I did! And sort of the sad thing is now that I am more willing, my work schedule may not allow me.

Justine's little camera is probably the best on the whole family. She gets some great close ups and she had a good little eye!

She told someone the other day when she graduated she was gong to go live up at college. I thought she'd stay home for a year. Because she is a home body. I thought I was going to have to force her out the door for her own good. I thought I would be forced to let he live at home for the first year because she needed more time to fly the coop. My HEART about gave out right then and there. I almost needed someone to shock my heart back to life. I  will die when she leaves. DIE. What a mean plan of life. Get us all in love with these kids and then they have to leave us. And NO! It is not just because she is my kid's 2nd mom and I need her. okay...maybe a teeny bit is.

The first game we played we let the "littles" play with us. KATE WON!!!!! It was great and she was sp proud!!!  The next game BO WON!!!!!  We love card games.

I will admit I have a few leftover wounds from playing Uno with my dad and brother. We would gang up on each other and try and make one lose. It was kind of ouchie.

One year Corey built a swing and we (he) packs it to all the different camp sites. For reals...Corey knows how to camp!

Okay... so sorry if this grosses you out. But we don't camp in a trailer or by a camp site with bathrooms. So Corey came up with this idea. He took a camp chair and cut a hole in it so it is a toilet chair. It stays clean. Honest. And then you just bury the "stuff" and go on your way.

So Corey told Rhett to cut a few branches off this tree to make a little spot for the bathroom. Without Corey really paying attention....Rhett cut a few too many. And basically we had a hole inside the whole tree to sit in. It was like a little tree cave. And that was our bathroom. It is not the best picture because I didn't want to photograph the whole thing. Your welcome. But you would be completely hidden when using the bathroom sitting inside this tree. 

I don't know what it is about Bo but he loves to collect "treasures". And they really revolve around sticks when we are camping. He lugged this one around with him and he didn't want help!

Some how during horse play Rhett was pushed into stinging neddle. Yeah, it was pretty annoying to him.

I HONESTLY don't know one single person in the whole face of the earth who loves camping more than my husband.

Close to where they camp is the HUGE slide. They had quite a bit of fun. It was before I made it up so there weren't very many pictures.

So for years now, before going camping we take a porch picture of whomever goes camping. Since I was joining later, I am not in the picture. I think someday all these pictures will be one of my greatest treasures because you will be able to see the children change.

So since it is Father's Day I should mention that probably the most wonderful thing I think Corey has given our children is the love camping and his time out there with them. I think it is a true gift to them. They would NEVER have that if it was just up to me. And I think it is a blessing them.

When I first arrived at camp Kate asked if I wanted to see her computer. She scaled this tree and sat at her "desk" and typed on her computer. Imaginative play like that thrills me. (something is messed up and a lot of my pictures are distorted. Boo.)

Cheese balls are a camping must for me. When I eat them though I must admit I think I am eating not real food. Like I always wonder..."Is this even really food?"

 We love this miniature hot chocolate cup. Perfect calories amount for me!

Playing on a rock field.

Bye ya!

Oh yeah...one more.

G)

Thanks, Christina for the reminder. I also don't like the wilderness because of ticks. They are nasty little creatures. They have a very distinctive feeling when they are crawling on you. I can always tell. I have found  MORE THAN ONE crawling on me, IN MY BED, off of Corey's hunting clothes. AURGGG!!!!

I did find it helpful when one of my friends said that I wouldn't be alone in the wilderness. I would be with God. Shirley, Heavenly Father would let something happen to me when I was GOING THERE TO BE WITH HIM. Right? I'm sticking with that. Don't tell me if you think otherwise.

I have been singing Les Miserable for the whole day. My sweetie friend gave it to my birthday and now that we have a DVD player in the car we have been listening to it. Love it. Things like that bring me great joy. I know the singing was a tad different but I love it anyways. Things like that nourish me.

Okay, SUPER FUNNY...

Bahaa!

And....I have been thinking. I was really motivated when I read this post about this lady who lost weight and became a runner.

This blogger said "Because I was never a runner, until I was."

And I liked that. It gave me strength and power and motivation.

Somewhere I also read "I run because I can". And for lots of years I couldn't run. At all. Not as in I couldn't go far...I literally couldn't run. And now I can.

And I think I should be.

Tonight Corey and I had a work dinner. We went by a river and he wanted me to touch the water. I had to go down on a rock and was all waiting for him help. Then I jumped down and realized...Psshh. I don't need his help. I can do different things now! I can bend down and jump on a rock and my body literally is completely different. I can do more now. Even if I am having a little struggle fighting right now I still have come a long way and I can do things now that I could before. Like bend down by a river. Like run.

I think I want to try running a bit. I don't know as though I am going to be able to continue my weight loss without running or some sot of way more involved exercise of some kind. I keep wondering if I should join a gym. I need some goals to work towards. I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO RUN A WHOLE MILE WITHOUT STOPPING. EVER. I want to. Just as a goal.

I need to burn some calories. I have been regressing a bit. Also I believe I mentioned I signed up for that run where they spray you with chalk. (SO FUN!) I can walk it. But I want to at least compete a little.

I also saw this on FB. It was getting a little criticism but I still enjoyed it.

So today was Kristopher. He said some pretty helpful things. He said I needed to change my thinking. And that the current trial I am going through is actually the best news of the day because it is pushing me. At this point I just laugh at him. Because it is no surprise to me anymore what he is going t tell me. So I smile. Because you are telling him sad things about your life and he tells you, "that is the best thing that can be happening to you!"

He was very sympathetic at first but now he is trying to train me.

He said everyone runs from pain (by being or staying addicted and numb). And the most painful things he had happen, he would never change because of all the great things that came from them.

We talked about how life is in seasons. Some seasons in my life are changing. And I have been fighting that KICKING AND SCREAMING. Crying that I liked my life the way it was. But this season change just has to be. Whether I want it or not. It has to be.

 I told Kristopher I have been muddling through abstaining from my addiction. He said that was because I was trying to go backwards. Wanting things to be the way they once were. But my life is in seasons. And things have changed. And now I have to move forward.

I know this always sound like I am divorcing. That is not it. Corey and I are still here!

It is about other life changes that "are happening to me" that I am really having a hard time adjusting to and accept and deal with. But Kristopher tells me they are "the best news of the day".

Maybe.

I am scared to walk in the wilderness

The other day in group we got to discussing a thing Kristopher talks about in his book called “Walk in the Wilderness”. I read about it over a year ago and thought it was interesting but didn't feel really compelled to do it.

Reasons being….

A)    We all know how I feel about the wilderness

B)    We all know how I feel about the wilderness

C)   

D)  

 E)  

   

 F) We all know how I feel about the wilderness.

So needless to say I have not gone.

Also…I don’t like to be alone with my thoughts much. They run RAMPANT and sometimes that is not a safe place for me. I love to be constantly plugged into radio, television, Internet, and people. I need constant stimulation and with six kids, believe me I get it. I am frankly quite scared with how I will handle life when the forced stimulation in gone and I have to learn to be still a bit. 

Of course one of the purposes of the Walk in the Wilderness IS to be still. And to speak to God. I am the worst at being still. Which makes me the worst at speaking with God.

Kristopher shared one of his experiences with Walking in the Wilderness and his struggle through some obstacles during it. Metaphorically and physically.

He shared one of his client’s experiences with her Walk in the Wilderness that basically healed this lady from HUGE trauma.

Kristopher says a “Walk in the Wilderness” is best done for about six hours. Because for some of the first hours you may be like “this is dumb, why am I out here, blah blah blah” and then after that you can connect with God.

We began discussing some of my issues. I wanted to know what I should do about them.

He said he didn't know.

BACK THE TRUCK UP!!!!!!!

I told him in no uncertain terms that if he didn't know, than I might as well flip out right then and there. Him not knowing what I should be doing or how to handle my issues just sent me straight into “uh….I don’t know about you, but it is time to panic!” mode.

He said he was able to get me 70% of the way there with handling my problems but I was going to have to go to God for the rest because he just didn't have all the answers.

Bummer. It’s easier to just get them from him.

But I want to be pushed into growing my relationship with Heavenly Father. So this is an opportunity.

We discussed how if I felt better I could stay in my vehicle locked in. But I just had to be somewhere alone. Preferably for six hours. With a sandwich. Lol. That cracked me up that he told me to bring a sandwich.

I don’t know. I am still not entirely sold on the idea. When you are going you are supposed to be looking for metaphors that God may put in your path for understanding. One lady found a dead sheep on her journey. We know that sheep are incredibly symbolic of Christ. And this sheep was dead and grody which was symbolic to her of her own suffering. Kristopher shares her entire experience in his book but she had a very intense experience when she saw this dead sheep and she was able to get a lot of her pain out.

From what I am learning, the things that happen on the walk is really just for you. They may not mean anything to any one else. They are for you.

Kristopher shares this in his book, but a "Walk in the Wilderness" is not just some brainy idea he had. Even though he is super brainy.

People in the Bible often went for Walks in the Wilderness to talk to God. 

For people whom are LDS can you think of another person who has done a Walk in the Wilderness? Joseph Smith. And look at what happened to him during his walk. Kristopher mentioned that to me one session. I hadn't equated the two before. 

The “Walk in the Wilderness” is very important to some people because you can’t always release your suffering to a therapist or friend. Sometimes you have to before God to get it all out. Kristopher said that. Sometimes people’s suffering is just too great to share even with him. You need to go somewhere where you are free to talk out loud and cry and get mad out loud. Whatever you need to do.

I am not sure I need to do all that. But I do need some answers to some situations in my life that I don't know how to handle. So I suppose I should try it. I'm just scared.

I've been reading "Jesus the Christ" by the way. I decided read 100 pages a month. I don't want to rush through it. I am mostly at my goal of 3-4 pages a day. I have a little catch up to do. I think it is working though. I think I do love Christ more. 

One thing the book said that melted my heart was in chapter 2. And I am not sure really why I loved it so much other than it just seemed like Christ was so nurturing to His apostles. And it helped me think of Christ being nurturing to me. Which helped me see Him as a person instead of some unattainable thing. Does that make sense at all?

"When the hour of His betrayal was near, in the last interview with the apostles prior to His agonizing experience in Gethsemane, Jesus comforted them saying: "For the Father himself loveth you, because ye have loved me, and have believed that I came out from God." ..."

So if I love Christ then Heavenly Father loves me. I like that. Don't we love the people who love our children?

I love Bo's first grade teacher for taking such good care of him at school. 

I love his church teacher who has BENT over BACKWARDS to work with him.

I love James, Rhett and Bo's therapist, who  has seen them for YEARS and is so good to them.

I love Mrs. T and Mr E. for loving Kassidy and taking such good care of her at school.

I love Kassidy's boss for nurturing her.

Okay... that was a bad idea. I can't possibly list everyone I love and so now I worry someones feelings will be hurt. 

Sorry. 

See ya.

P.S. My mom loves Kristopher for supporting me. 

So God loves us JUST for loving His Son. Easy as that. And He loves us for a million other reasons too, right?